Hot Mess

To start off, I'm not a psychologist nor am I particularly introspective. But for a while now, I've been a bit of a mess.

There hasn't been just one big thing that made me that way; just a bunch of little things strewn together over time. I'm not writing this for sympathy because I don't need it and I don't want it. Life is hard and we all know that. But until I realized that I was putting all of my emotional needs on the back burner, I ignored it until it became too much to bear. And when that happens, we generally tend to become self-destructive. Which is exactly true in my own case.

Deciding to change wasn't and isn't easy for me and trust me: it's a long, slow road. I'm stubborn and tend to think everyone else has the problem with me so why should I change? Am I right!? Wrong, bitch! Not everything should be taken personally but when you are doing things a certain way consistently and yielding the same results, one has to step back and figure out the root of the problem.

Well, in short, I found myself a little lost. And here are some things that I have been doing to try to change that:



1. Taking Care of my Body
This one should be more of a priority but I know damn good and well that it is one of my biggest challenges. I love working out and I don't have a terrible diet. But sometimes, just because we love something, doesn't mean we do it. I got lazy and made up all kinds of excuses. Well, not anymore because this is one thing I can no longer continue to ignore.

2. Cleaning My Room
We all get busy. We work and have families and social lives. So one of the things to be ignored, was my bedroom. Once I decided to start making my bed every day and tidy my bathroom after I use it (which both things only takes about five minutes) I felt worlds better just having a clean personal space.

3. Reading More
I love reading as I have mentioned previously. But it requires thought. And for a while it seemed like too much thought. Literally "vegging"in front of the T.V. became my normal routine for when I had some down time. Starting Emily's and my book club really got me back into it and stepping outside of myself.

4. Having a Job that Challenges Me
No, I do NOT currently have my dream job and where I'm at now isn't what I want to do forever. However, I had been at the same job for almost four years with no growth and after a while, not much more to learn. I became complacent and stopped caring. Finally, I used the contacts I have and got hired somewhere I had to start from scratch on. It really put me on track for figuring out what is ultimately right for me.

I'm excited for some change in my life. And there will be much more to come in the next few months. My lame advice is that if there is something you don't like in your life, change it. I can only change myself and have no one but myself to blame when I'm unhappy.

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The Early Bird Gets the Worm

If there's one thing I believe in, it's waking up early. 

I grew up in a household that didn't believe in Saturday morning cartoons. We were expected to be dressed, fed and ready to work by eight a.m. every Saturday morning. I didn't get to sleep in or eat a bowl of cereal in front of the T.V. before a long day of nothingness. I worked with my family. We were raised on a small "farm", if you will. We sometimes had chickens, raised cows, pigs and kept horses. I built fences with my dad and plowed the field (though on a tractor) all before lunch. It was a great experience that taught me a lot about life, just as a generalization. 

I hear about people who sleep in late and hurry to get ready for work so they aren't late. It makes me wonder how their lives are fulfilling. What is it that you do during the day to take care of yourself? I know it seems strange because, come on, you aren't at work all day. You have after work to worry about. Well, yes, worry is what you'll do.

People work all day and are tired upon leaving time. Maybe you get a quick workout in or make the excuse that you are too exhausted to work out. Then there's dinner and time spent with family or even alone. But you're still tired. You've had a long day and need to de-load. That isn't the time to have to truly relax. You watch mindless television to escape yourself. Maybe to lose yourself in someone else's story in the form of a book. There are worse things, yes, I'll admit. There is just something about mornings that you can't get from any other time of the day. 

I'm not sure if I'm a morning person per se or I just don't necessarily prefer sleep. I have blackout blinds that can make me sleep through the entire morning if that is my intention. And trust me, I have kept them shut. However, waking up at ten in the morning is a terrible feeling for me. My dad always said that the day is half over by then. I merely thought it was said in jest. A little stab at my character for sleeping in that long because he had been up for hours. I now understand the validity of his words.

Wake up early. Have some quiet time for yourself. It's the best way to get to know yourself again. Without work, distractions, crazy drivers or just being too damn hurried to even make yourself breakfast. Even if what you do in the morning is routine, set it at a pace which is conducive to clarity. 

Mornings are magical.

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Blood Is Thicker Than Water

When I was growing up, I was fortunate enough to live around five minutes away from each set of grandparents. My family actually lived in the house that my Grandfather built. Needless to say, my grandparents were very involved in our lives whilst I was growing up. My dad eventually got another job when I was eighteen and we moved from our little ol' town in Utah, to a scary ghetto one in California. The absolute worst part was that I was so much farther away from my grandparents. Yes, I missed my friends. Yes, I still miss the snow. But missing family is a different kind of empty.

Losing both of my grandfathers in recent years has been difficult. Especially when I feel like I wasn't there enough and I would have liked to be. But I have had the extreme fortune of having both of my grandmas come stay with my parents for a couple months at a time, to whom I live rather close. 

Now the real reason behind this post is because I have gotten a couple different people saying things along the lines of, "Oh, that's sweet to hang out with your Grandma." And the sentiment behind it is nice! Trust me, I'm sure there's some little old lady in a rest home, cursing her grandkids because they suck and never visit or call. But believe me when I say that when I'm hanging out with my grandmas, the pleasure is all mine. I love those ladies more than life itself. And when I see movies where parents have to drag their kids, kicking and screaming, to see their grandparents, I just want to punch the kids and the parents in the throat.

I abhor seeing those motivational quotes saying stuff along the lines of "family isn't always blood" bull shit. Sometimes, I'm sure there are those who have a terrible family system. Those aren't usually the people posting this stuff. It's the people who have conflicts with their family because said family cares about them. Or their family is perfectly adequate but they keep comparing to the proverbial Jones'. Blood is thicker than water. There I said it. And it's true. Because, yes, you probably do have friends who have your back no matter what. But one's true family is everything.

Never will I regret the time I've spent with my family. Even if we're not doing anything particularly special. All the Family Home Evenings, Holidays spent together, camping and my favorite Saturday lunch dates with my dad, I will cherish until the day that I die. 

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